Playing Legos is awesome til my dumb kid spoils it by joining
Some call the act of child birth a miracle I call it front shitting
Every time I play hide n seek I choose in my bed under the covers and hope it takes a proper sleep cycle for my 3 year old to find me
I think my wife thinks it’s ‘Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder’
When I go at college I will be thirty ten
With these bracelets Walt Disney World forces you to wear now at all times I feel like I’m under mouse arrest
Taking my family to Disney World because I love my kid and I hate my wife
Dammit my wife called me and I flipped my phone to silent and texted “Shhhh I’m putting the child down pick us up some In N Out” and wouldn’t you know she did pick us up some In N Out? Bitch just added another guaranteed year of marriage with that one.
Got my hose in the pool with my boys

Got my hose in the pool with my boys

Happy motherfucking Fathers Day because honestly that’s how it happened