Every day my wife and kid play a game called Who Can Spend More Of My Money and every day it’s a fucking horse race.
I kill spiders like it’s my job which according to my wife it is
My kid saw an alien on an episode of Paw Patrol and wants to see more aliens so I’m showing him Star Wars. May have to call out of work today
Playing Legos is awesome til my dumb kid spoils it by joining
Every time I play hide n seek I choose in my bed under the covers and hope it takes a proper sleep cycle for my 3 year old to find me
I think my wife thinks it’s ‘Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder’
When I go at college I will be thirty ten
With these bracelets Walt Disney World forces you to wear now at all times I feel like I’m under mouse arrest
Taking my family to Disney World because I love my kid and I hate my wife
Dammit my wife called me and I flipped my phone to silent and texted “Shhhh I’m putting the child down pick us up some In N Out” and wouldn’t you know she did pick us up some In N Out? Bitch just added another guaranteed year of marriage with that one.